People approach impending motherhood differently. Some exercise and eat a healthy diet. Some decorate a nursery. Others who are gifted craftswomen sew or create things for the lovely child they haven’t met yet. These are all natural and good things. While this isn’t my first child, I can’t imagine not doing some kind of preparation for this growing baby inside of me. Granted, life looks different now with a toddler in the house, but like my stomach, my love for my new child is growing.
When my first daughter was born, I was not an emotional person. I’m embarrassed to say that I could never have been accused of wearing my heart on my sleeve. I prided myself on my tough nature. Between you and me, I was proud of my control. Maybe I didn’t have control over everything, but I still felt…I don’t know how to describe it…in myself. I was contained in my skin. But after that little girl was born….I was no longer contained.
It was a jolting transition. All of a sudden, every part of me; my heart, my soul, my flesh, were in something outside of myself. I had no control. To the outside viewer it might seem like I have a lot of control, but it doesn’t feel like enough.
Please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not promoting helicopter parenting or exercising as much control over our children as possible. I’m sharing my raw heart. In my instinctive nature, I want to create a perfect world for my child, where nothing could ever happen to her. I want to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this child, this part of me that I love more than me, will know no hardship in her life. I know that could never be the case. In this world, all of us will face trials; it breaks my heart.
But if I know that my precious little baby will face trials, inevitably, some without me (cue the tears); then I have to trust. Trust that the Lord has a plan and a purpose for my child. Trust that my child was born in the right place at the right time. Trust that her creator loves her more then I do. It’s easier said then done. It’s a daily struggle in my heart.
Since becoming a mother, I’m grateful for all the women who have been brave enough to open their hearts. When they do that, it makes me feel less isolated. Like my secret, personal struggles are shared by someone else. If you have ever felt fearful and responded with a grasp for control; you and I can relate. We can comfort and pray for one another.
Thank you for your honesty. Being a mom raises so many emotions.
Thanks Leah, it absolutely does!
First off, congratulations! You will soon be holding another precious angel in your arms. Will it be easy with 2? Ummm, absolutely not and whoever tells you it is, is merely hiding the truth. Although it won’t be easy it will certainly be rewarding in more ways that you can possibly imagine. Our children (we have 6) are all beautiful gifts from God all a blessing in their own unique ways. I sometimes wonder if they are meant to be lessons for us to teach us more patience, kindness, and definitely grace. Whatever the lessons, I wouldn’t change being a mom of 6 for the anything in the world. Congrats again!! Hugs 🙂
Aawww! Thanks you Daisy! I can’t imagine the reality of two kids, but we are so excited!
Would not trade my last 21 years of being a SAHM. Not every day is easy or joyous, but it is worth the struggle, anxiety, prayers and sleepless nights. So rewarding to have raised children who are such a pleasure to be around as teens and adults.
That sounds like a life well lived. 🙂
Thank you for sharing your honesty with us. As mother we go through tons of emotions each day and sometimes they are hard to deal with. We have to share them so other Moms know they are not alone.
I think you’re absolutely right Keisha.
Thank you opening your heart and sharing this. Something so beautiful happens when we let our guard down as moms and know we are all in a similar boat.
Thank you Ashley! I totally agree with you.
Beautifully written. I agree, too, that motherhood can be isolating, especially if you go from working to being a stay-at-home mom. It’s amazing to have these little people, but it’s SOO hard…and physically and emotionally draining. I agree that we need to reach out to each other and share our experiences.
You’re right Meg! It is draining in every way, and so different then when I was working full time. It’s always wonderful to find community and share with one another.
So beautifully written and so true! I loved my sense of control too before I had kids. Now my heart runs around for the world to see in the form of 3 little girls God created for me to parent. And like you said trusting God is easier said than done. But if we stand together as sisters in Christ trusting and believing in Him to do only what He can do, we can do this thing called motherhood.
I love how you phrased that Ayanna. Standing together in Christ is the best thing mothers can do.
I’m an anxious person already…I take anti-anxiety medication. I feel that I’m a pretty relaxed mother….I have a wonderful 2 year old boy….but my anxiety has always been there for him…when he was new, it was about his growing–he didn’t grow or gain weight quickly because I wasn’t producing enough milk…then he caught up and now he’s taller than most kids his age….but now, it’s all about his talking…his comprehension and communication skills are above par, but his VERBAL/SPEAKING skills are far lacking…and it stresses me out because he is SO smart, he just can’t say the words. Anxiety as a mother is hard because you just want the absolute best for your children.
You’re right Taylor, it’s hard because we want the best for them. Your little boy sounds like an amazing kid. 🙂